Mother In Law jokes

General Discussion (off topic) Anything and everyt
#1

G’day all,

There was a recent outbreak of mother in law jokes on some of the forums. Whilst these were undoubtedly offensive and derogatory, they unfortunately stopped.

In the interest of good humour and to ensure the demise of the species bargearse enormormicus, I’m offering an anti-mother-in-law t-shirt to the best mother in law joke posted here.

Post your jokes in this topic and after two weeks, I’ll set up a poll so everyone can vote. The poster of the joke with the most votes gets the t-shirt (piccy of the t-shirt will be posted when I get back from holidays - its good enough to become a uniform for free thinking ■■■■ swilling refined gentlemen and gentle ladies like us - LOL).

This is a genuine offer. I have bought the t-shirt and will pay the postage to anywhere in the world myself.

Go nuts, guys,

Ewen :slight_smile:

#2

lmao!!, alriggghhhttt Ewen’s back! You just won the T-shirt my friend with the “bargearse enormormicus” line! Unfortunately, if we in fact had good MIL jokes, we wouldn’t have waited anxiously for your comedic take on them but will give it a shot! (:CLP)

Welcome back,

Pomplona

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#3

Wow thats quite an offer Ewen… thanks…

I will try to think of some good ones, so far the only ones I have come up with are not appropriate to put on the forums… lol

#4

Here’s a cheesy one…

Q: How are mother-in-laws like computer viruses?

A: As soon as you get one, it ruins everything and you spend forever trying to get rid of it

(:LGH)

#5

The other day it was raining cats and dogs. I heard a knock at the door and it was my Mother In Law, sopping wet , standing in the rain. I looked at her as she dripped on the stair and said, "well don’t just stand there getting all wet, go home! "

Cheers,

Paul

#6

Fred, his wife and his mother in law all went on a vacation to the holy land. While they were there, the mother in law died. They immediately needed to seek an undertaker.

The undertaker said to them, you can have her shipped home for 4000 dollars or you can bury her here in the holy land for 200 dollars.

Fred pondered this for a bit and told the undertaker he would like her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked why would you spend 4000 dollars to ship your mother in law home, when it would it would only be 200 dollars to bury her in this wonderful place.

Fred then replied, a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead , I can’t take that chance.

Cheers,

Paul

#7

One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
“What would you like for your first wish?” asked the genie.
“I want one billion dollars,” replies the man.
“Remember,” says the genie, “your mother-in-law gets double of what you get.”
“I know,” replied the man.
The man then chooses his second wish, “I wish I had a brand new sports car.” So he gets his second wish and he’s very content.
“Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?” asks the genie.
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, “I wish to be beaten half to death.”

Cheers,

Paul

#8

My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years,
Then we met each other.

One cannibal says to the other, I can’t stand my mother-in-law.
The other says, Why don’t you just eat the vegetables?

A pharmacist to a customer…
In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription, a picture of your mother in law just isn’t enough.

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Back came the reply, “Take no chances - order all three.”

We had a peeping tom in the neighborhood the other night, he went to my mother in law’s window and asked her to shut the blinds.

The other day my mother in law went on a trip and no one had heard from her for quite a while. It was my wife’s birthday and she was suppose to be there by 3:00 which was only a few minutes away.
My wife was nervous now and said, “oh my god, what if she broke down and won’t be getting back till late and miss the party?”
" Why do you always think the worst?" I asked my wife, " maybe she was in a terrible accident ."

Joe walks into a bar and sits next to Todd. Todd says what’s the news Joe? Oh, just that my wife found out her mom, left her dad and ran off with MY best friend. But Joe, I am your best friend! Not any more Todd.

Cheers,

Paul

#9

I just buried my mother in law today. She put up a hell of a fight.

My mother in law was involved in a vicous shark attack today, the sharks are fine thankfully.

The exorsist came over on halloween to watch re-runs of my mother in law.

My mother in law had slipped while hiking, she dangled from the near by cliff while my wife screamed, do something! So being the quick thinker I am , I drove to the nearest pay phone , and called all my friends to tell them the good news!

My mother in law and I were walking down the dark street, a man came up and held her at gun point threatening to shoot her. She looked at me with those eyes and said, do something you dolt! So I thanked the man and went home.

My wife, mother in law and I were going sky diving. On the way there, my mother in law handed me her back and said, quit being so impolite, hold my bag for me! So with a scowl on my face , I did.
We stopped at the grocery store to get some refreshments. On the way out she said, quit being impolite, you are such and idot, hold this bag of groceries for me! So once again, with a scowl on my face, I did just that.
Now on site, we got out of the car and my mother in law said, quit being so rude, hold my bag again, you are all but usless, I swear, could you ONCE prove to me you aren’t usless and rude?!
So gritting my teeth, I did just that.
On the plane and in the air, it was my mother in law’s turn to jump, as she began to launch herself out of the plane door, I immediately yanked her chute pack off of her back as she decended downwards and yelled, here , let me hold that for you!

Cheers,

Paul

#10

I nailed my mother in laws foot to the floor , she kept yelling and running in circles so I nailed the other one.

Since when is playing russian roulette cheating when you load all six chambers and have your mother in law go first?

My mother in law and I had a pillow fight, I won when she quit breathing.

My mother in law is so ugly, she had to trick or treat over the phone, her father used to play games with her when she was little, he’d throw her up in the air, and then walk away.

My mother in law said, don’t worry , one day i’ll be six feet under. I said, can we make it 12 to be sure?

My mother in law has a bad hip problem and one day her leg gave out, she stood there yelling at me, help! I can’t stand on one leg forever! So I kicked the other one out from under her.

While out in the garden trying to pull weeds, my mother in law began nagging me about how I never do anything right so I took a shovel full of dirt and threw it in her face. Outraged and angered she asked what the hell I thought I was doing? I said, practicing.

Cheers,

Paul

#11

A man who didn’t lead the best life died, and went to Hell. The Devil greets him at the door, saying “You will suffer as no other man has for all eternity!”
The man says, “Oh yeah, check this out.” He shows the Devil a picture of his mother-in-law.
The Devil looks at it, makes a terrible face, and says, “Oh well, there’s nothing new for you here. Would you like a job?”

#12

ROFL… Good ones guys… keep them coming…

#13

Hey Ewen,

That is really nice of you to give out such an offer. I have also noticed that you were off this forum for about a week already. Guess you must be enjoying your holidays really much. :slight_smile: Anyway, do make a come back soon as the ‘Pomplona’ is soon on his way to overtake you as the joker of Comodo forum. ;D

Yours truly,
DoomScythe

#14

Suurrree, tell him my secret! Actually, I had to joke, all everyone is talking about is that ■■■■ bunny! When Ewen was telling his MIL jokes, we had tears of laughter, when he left, all we had was the bunny and were in tears of sorrow! :smiley: I now have 30 different recipies for rabbit but figure I could feed it to my mother in law, like T-rex on Jurrassic park with the goat. I would lower it into her cage and watch her devour it. Some are worried that Ewen may do away with the bunny, me , i’m rooting for Ewen! So it boils down to world domination, bunny v.s. mother in laws. What a fight that would be. :wink:

Cheers,

Paul

#15

However much you dislike you mother-in-law you must not set fire to her. - Ernest Wild

Distrust all mothers-in-law. They are completely unscrupulous in what they say in court. The wife's mother is always more prejudiced against the husband than even the most ill-treated wife. If I had my way, I am afraid I would abolish mothers-in-law entirely. - Sir Geoffrey Wrangham
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.
Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-Law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog died.
Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. The crocodiles are yours, so you save them.
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ''Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.'' The husband replied, ''How about a chair?!?''
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said ''Can I stay here for a few days?'' I said: ''Sure you can.'' and shut the door in her face.
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
Mike
#16

A man was standing on the corner of an intersection watching a funeral procession pass by, when suddenly he was struck by an unusual sight: behind the hearse followed a man leading a goat on a rope, who in turn was closely trailed by a line of young men. Approaching the man with a goat, the bystander inquired:

  • Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me who has died, and why this strange following?
  • Well, you see, the man answered, “the person in the hearse is my mother-in-law. Yesterday, while picking vegetables in our garden, she was struck from the behind by this goat and killed instantly.”
  • Really! the bystander said eagerly. “Think I might borrow him for a day or so?”
  • Sure, responded the man, “but you’ll have to go to the back like everyone else”.
My wife's mother is the model mother-in-law. -What do you mean? -There is no joke in the entire world which is not suitable for her.
A man tries to throw a lady from the window. She opposed. The crowd shouts: -Stop it, man! The lady is alive. -This is not a lady, this is my mother-in-law, replies the guy. The crowd shouts: Look, she even resists...

Mike

#17

One day I threw my mother in law into a tank of pirahnas, she killed every one within 9 seconds.

What’s the difference between a dying, suffering, pet dog and a mother in law? You feel bad about shooting the dog.

My mother in law became suicidal about a week ago, she went up four stories into a building and threatened to jump out the window. “Don’t do it I cried! You aren’t nearly high enough yet !”

#18
  • Do you know how you save your mother-in-law from drowning?
  • No…?
  • Good!
#19

My mother-in-law dissapered when she was swimming in a lake. I haven’t had so fun since, because they where looking in the wrong lake for her…

#20

I wouldn’t say my mother in law is ugly , but every time she puts on lipstick it tries to crawl back in the tube.

What do you do if your mother in law is moaning in pain and rolling on the floor?

Shoot her again.

How do you stop your MIL from drowning?

Take your foot off her head.

What’s the difference between a catfish and a MIL?

One’s a ■■■■ sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish!

Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?

Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.

What’s the difference between a dead mother-in-law lying in the middle of the road, and a dead snake lying in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake!

My MIL asked, “If you don’t like me, why do you take me on holidays with you?” I told her, “So I don’t have to kiss you good-bye.”

Unsolved Mysteries - Missing MILs: MILs are disappearing all over the city. Does it surprise you that no one is looking for them?

My mother-in- law is so cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word “mother-in-law” you get the words “woman ■■■■■■”

The difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are Wanted!!

the definition of mixed emotions - seeing your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new car.

Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
-Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

My mil fell into an 8 ft hole and broke her neck, two men ran over and asked if I needed help,I said yes, grab a shovel quick!!

My mil fell into a 6ft hole and couldn’t move , as the officer arrived he noticed me smiling and asked, how can you smile at a time like this? I said, because, I don’t have to dig it, just fill it in!

A giant python swallowed my mother in law, when I asked how things were, the vet said, if we can get her out, the snake will be fine!

My father in law was driving down the road and got stopped by a police officer, the officer said, sir! do you know your wife fell out of the car 5 miles down the road? Thank God! he replied, I thought I was going deaf!

My wife said, quick! I think my mom is dead! check to see if she’s breathing! Why? I asked, she never took a breath before!

When my mother in law walks past a flock of birds, they peck their own eyes out!

My mother in law went to a bull fight, we pulled 20 spears from her.

My mother in law went to a bull fight, she won.

What’s the difference between my mother in law and a whale? Whales come up for air.

Cheers,

Pomplona