Vote for the best mother in law joke - winner gets an anti-MIL t-shirt

You’re all wrong!

There’s NOTHING funny about a mother in law.

Polls only allow three lines, so the full text of the jokes is below, in the same order they appear in the above poll.

My mother in law and I had a pillow fight, I won when she quit breathing. comicfan2000

The other day it was raining cats and dogs. I heard a knock at the door and it was my Mother In Law, sopping wet , standing in the rain. I looked at her as she dripped on the stair and said, "well don’t just stand there getting all wet, go home! comicfan2000

One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. “What would you like for your first wish?” asked the genie. “I want one billion dollars,” replies the man. “Remember,” says the genie, “your mother-in-law gets double of what you get.” “I know,” replied the man. The man then chooses his second wish, “I wish I had a brand new sports car.” So he gets his second wish and he’s very content. “Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?” asks the genie. The man ponders for a moment, then answers, “I wish to be beaten half to death.” comicfan2000

A pharmacist to a customer…“In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription, a picture of your mother in law just isn’t enough.” comicfan2000

I just buried my mother in law today. She put up a hell of a fight. comicfan2000

How do you save your mother in law from burning? Flip her over every few minutes. comicfan2000

Why did my MIL cross the road? She didn’t, when I saw her, I did. KingKull

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. “Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?” “Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.’” baldazar

My MIL asked, “If you don’t like me, why do you take me on holidays with you?” I told her, “So I don’t have to kiss you good-bye.” comicfan2000

  • Do you know how you save your mother-in-law from drowning? - No…? - Good! Aowl

A man was standing on the corner of an intersection watching a funeral procession pass by, when suddenly he was struck by an unusual sight: behind the hearse followed a man leading a goat on a rope, who in turn was closely trailed by a line of young men. Approaching the man with a goat, the bystander inquired: - Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me who has died, and why this strange following? - Well, you see, the man answered, “the person in the hearse is my mother-in-law. Yesterday, while picking vegetables in our garden, she was struck from the behind by this goat and killed instantly.” - Really! the bystander said eagerly. “Think I might borrow him for a day or so?” - Sure, responded the man, “but you’ll have to go to the back like everyone else”. Mike6688

Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law. Mike6688

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said ‘‘Can I stay here for a few days?’’ I said: ‘‘Sure you can.’’ and shut the door in her face. Mike6688

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I’ve developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut! Mike6688

Best of luck to everyone

Ewen :slight_smile:

If I wanted my MIL’s opinion, I would take the duct tape off her mouth. She is a cold, cold woman, if she ever donated her heart, they would use it to keep other organs cold, she could drink juice and ■■■■ out a freeze pop. Snowmen put on coats when she stands by them. We took her to Alaska and the penguins started burrowing into the ice! The seals started clubbing themselves!



When my MIL walks past a church, gargoyles jump.

LMAO! We should have a “TOP THAT MIL FEST” . OH yeah? When my MIL walks onto a dairy farm, the cows send themselves to the slaughter house!

I hired a sniper but when he saw my MIL through the scope, he shot himself!



My MIL visited and asked if I had missed her. I said “You’re still alive, aren’t you?”

My MIL asked if I would miss her when she left. I said “It depends how well you can duck.”

My MIL asked if I would miss her when she left. I said “It’s hard to aim straight when dancing.”

My MIL asked if I would miss her when she left. I said “Probably not, I’ve bought a better scope.”


15-0, Paul to serve.

ewen :slight_smile:

…my stomach’s hurt.
…my jaw’s goin’ numb.


I hate to admit, you are the king of the MIL jokes, but for the fun of it…

What’s the difference between my MIL and a vampire? Vampires have a heart to drive a stake through.

What’s the difference between my MIL and a Werewolf? Werewolves only get hairy, ugly and mean when the moon is full.

What’s the difference between my MIL and a Zombie? It’s legal to shoot zombies in the head.

What’s the difference between my MIL and the Frankenstein monster? About 3 stitches.

What’s the difference between my MIL and a witch? Broom\make\model.

Ewen to server> MIL <–no LOVE.

Love the one about the stake through the heart. ROFLMAO!

15-15 Paul to serve

I need more coffee first or I won’t be able to think anymore up. My blood is 10% RBC 10%WBC 10% water and 70% coffee. After a caffeine kick, i’ll be serving. :wink:



Alright, good to go…

When my MIL kicks the bucket, I am buying the biggest tombstone I can find and laying it down over her grave so I know she aint’ gettin’ out!

I told her I was burying her with a radio, that way I have some music to dance on her grave with.

I asked she be buried with a steel box welded over her head, that way she won’t scare the worms.

When she was standing out in the cold pouring rain, she said, “let me in or i’ll catch my death!” So I handed her a mit. She asked “what’s this for?” I said, so you don’t miss!

Ok, so I must be getting tired, my jokes are getting worse if possible. loll.


What’s my favourite TV show? Mother-In-Law and Order - Special Victims Unit. It’s ugly, but most reality TV is, anyway.

LMAO! (:CLP) :smiley:

I also like the other tv show about MILs on an island, I think it’s called No Survivor? Then there was Bubba, the MIL slayer, that was a favorite. Then there was one the spin off from Bay Watch with only Mils, I think it was B*& ( $ # watch, yeah. 0000, <—that one may get deleted. Then how about those classic horror films?
The day my MIL’s mouth stood still, Mils of the worlds, Night of the in-laws, Rosemary’s mother in law, Mil day the 13th, the 50 ft mother in law, Milalien, nightmare from MIL street, MILoween, EvMIL dead. Just to name a few. I think her favorite is Phantom of the Oprah.




How about MIL Survivor - we all stay at home and vote to leave them all on the island.

MIL-igan’s island? :smiley:

Too good Skipper!

Wow, I was called that in highschool! :smiley:



-How come your MIL can swim in the ocean without getting attacked by the sharks?
-Well… the sharks thinks she is whale-sh*t…

My mother in law isn’t ugly just because her shadow runs away.

My mother in law has a very bad habbit. She won’t keep that bag on her face.

My mother in law’s face is on posters, Americas least wanted.


Looks like Paul’s the winner! The guy with the most ammo usually wins! LOL

I’ll post a photo of the t-shirt tomorrow, and we fully expect a photo of Paul in it, in return.

Ewen :slight_smile: