An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m ■■■■■■■!!!.”
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT ■■■■■■■. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “NOW you’re ■■■■■■■.”
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”
“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.
“Look,” says the first one, “He’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”
Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”
“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!”
The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”
A guy dies, and goes to Heaven. When the guy arrives in Heaven, St. Peter greets him, and says, “Come with me, and I will show you where you will be staying.”
St. Peter and this guy are walking along side of the golden fence of Heaven, and the guy notices many clocks on the fence.
Out of curiousity, the guy asks St. Peter, “What are all these clocks for?”
St. Peter smiles, "They are clocks for every person in the world. And they tick once for each time you lie.
“There is Mother Theresa’s clock! Her clock has never ticked once”.
“And there is Abraham Lincoln’s clock! His clock has only ticked twice” St. Peter’s said.
Again, out of curiousity, the guy asks, “Where is George W. Bush clock?”
While calmly smiling, St. Peter says, “His clock is in Jesus’s office. He is using it as a fan.”
A guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped.
He grabbed a branch and was hanging there.
After an hour or so passed, he was feeling exhausted.
He looked up to the heavens and cried out: “God, help me. Please, help me!”
Suddenly the clouds parted and a booming voice resounded, “Let Go!”
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, and said: “Is there anyone else up there?”
The Queen of England and George Bush are guests of honor at the Annual England vs American Soccer Match.
Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to Bush and says, “I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture.”
Bush looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.
Bush leans over and says to the Queen, “That was nothing…I bet I can make all of the Americans in the crowd party wildly for a week with just the nod of my head.”
The Queens says, “Well that is totally unbelievable - let’s see.”
A split second later Bush Head butts her…
Hell is a very small town in Michigan (just off of M-36, near Pinckney in Livingston county) that has it’s own combination post-office and general store. The zip code there is 48169.
Driving directions from Detroit, MI:
I-96 West to US-23 South
Right on Whitmore Lake Road
Left on Spicer Road (which becomes M-36 East)
Turn right on Hamburg Road (stay on M-36 East)
Left on S. Peaceful Valley Drive.
So, you’re now able to provide “exact” directions when telling someone to “Go To Hell!”
A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There’s a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
When the subway car’s lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his slapped face.
The Yankee fan is thinking, “That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead.”
Pamela is thinking, “That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it.”
And the Met fan is thinking, “This is great. The next time the subway car’s lights go out, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!! Yankee fan again.”
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss.”
The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”
The man says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”
Can someone xplain no. 7 for me Smiley My English stil need improvement. If its inappropriate to xplain here, i'm thankful if u can send me a private msg:)
I'd be happy to, but that one kinda slipped past me, too. The only thing I can think of is if it's supposed to be "I ■■■ (as in, urinate) anywhere" but given the company, I don't really see that. I just see if for what it is, IP Anywhere. Maybe it's an optical illusion... ;)
PS: I removed your "■■■■■■■" post; it's a bit too sexually explicit/graphic for this forum. If the other Mods disagree, it will be returned.
nevermind, at least I dun think Justin will agree to return dat post coz 1 time he banned my "f" word (:AGY), and "bl**j**" is also 1 kind of "f" (:SHY) (is it? ;D)
I actually considered whether to post :THNK and among “■■■■■■ xplicit” jokes dat I hav, dis one is 1 of da lightest ;D so I decided to carry on, lol
Yikes! I’m glad you didn’t post any of the others. Even tho’ we’re in the General/Off-Topic section, we still need to realize that the forums represent Comodo; we have a lot of freedom here, and we want to maintain the standards.
My English stil need improvement. If its inappropriate to xplain here, i’m thankful if u can send me a private msg:)